It has been a long hiatus, but there’s something about having a new baby that makes your mind ponder and you find yourself thinking new thoughts with new perspective on life and family. I recently gave birth to a baby girl, this being our third (and last) biological child, if you catch my drift. Having two boys have been fun, tiresome, challenging and wonderful, but I get the feeling that these emotions will be exacerbated with having a daughter. Perhaps it was because this pregnancy has been the most difficult one, but the fruit of my labor (some pun intended) is this most amazing and beautiful life that eats, sleeps and poops non-stop. I love this tiny life so much, and thank God even at 4 o’clock in the morning, in my sleep-deprived, half-awake state. And because I love her, and my boys and my husband so deeply, it’s so easy to find myself drawing inward to provide, protect and pursue my family and give them my best. But, I think this can be a dangerous thing. Day in and day out, I am immersed with diaper changing, pumping, all the while trying to recover from a c-section, and I forget that time is passing by and the world is moving on. As I watch my children grow, I want them to see their mom, not just as a provider and nurturer but as a person who seeks to continue to grow. So how do I become the mom I so desperately want them to see as a growing and thriving individual who they desire to emulate? First, I think it starts with my new realized notion on love. Love is not a feeling in your gut that makes you involuntarily smile, or warms your heart, or even that which enables you to wake up in the middle of the night to feed and change your little darling’s diapers without too much grumpiness. But, I believe love is that drive that makes you want to be a better person. You want to make the world a better place for your loves, to be that one more positive influence and role model in the world, despite the fact that it would be far more comfortable to just coast on with life. This will mean that I need to get over myself, draw outward, learn and be a blessing unto people out there, not just under my roof, which I realize will not come naturally or easy. But I want to do this. I have to do this. I WILL do this. I may never be a Super Woman, but I will do more today than yesterday and hope to make the world a better place tomorrow than it is today. Because I love you. And because you made this world a better place for me today than it was yesterday.
Wow, it’s been so long since I made my last post. It’s been one crazy, busy, unbelievable year! Let’s recap. Starting from last August, we moved into an apartment to do an apartment ministry. Then, in September, Jason had his septoplasty and shortly thereafter, Caden was born. After about five months later, we found out that I was pregnant with our second child. We needed more room, so this past August, we stopped doing the apartment ministry and moved back into our townhouse. Then, I started having early contractions and pain and was admitted to the hospital and was put on bed rest. And this day happened to be the day Jason scheduled to have his LASIK surgery, which thankfully, he was able to reschedule. After a week of staying in the hospital, my contractions were under control, but the day before I was going to be discharged, Landon decided it was time, I went into a fast and furious labor (that is a whole another post in itself), and he was born! He came eight weeks premature, so he has to stay in the NICU for approximately 4 weeks. I had to miss my nephew Dylan’s dol (first birthday) due to being in the hospital. And today, Jason is getting his LASIK procedure done. Next week is Caden’s dol, so some preparations have to be made, and Landon should be home soon after that. phew~ Is it even possible to experience any more events in just one year? I suppose it is, but as my sister-in-law put it, my life has radically changed in just one year!
Looking back, so much has happened, enough to make my head spin, but I realize that all of those events were a blessing! To receive not one, but two, gifts of life, to be able to have a bigger living space, and to have the luxury to have those elective surgeries for Jason, are all positive events. So, despite the craziness, I am very thankful for this past year. I just have to take a breather and be prepared for this coming year, as I’m sure it will be just as crazy, if not more, raising two little boys!
A year ago today, we got to hear Caden’s heartbeat for the very first time. It’s a special moment in and of itself, but for us, it was all the more special and amazing because God took us through a crazy journey. Two Christmases ago, we were in our adoption process and were matched with a little girl on that Christmas eve. Little did we know that we had already conceived and Caden was growing in my tummy.
To make the long story short, we had to defend our desire and reason to adopt to our families who held on to the Asian culture’s negative stigma of adoption. I went through many arguments with my family and shed a lot of tears, and that was definitely not easy. It took a lot of courage to obey God’s calling in our lives. Not knowing what would happen with our families, and as scared as I was, we took a huge leap of faith and made the decision to inform our adoption agency that we would move forward in our adoption process. But the very next day, we would find out that we were pregnant with Caden!
Hearing his heartbeat was an incredible feeling and it was an undeniable answered prayer from God. He allowed us to go through that journey but not without showing us His faithfulness. His heartbeat was, in essence, God’s promise of the things to come. I think that’s why it was all the more beautiful. And now, we see the fruit of that promise, and it is truly wonderful!
If you’re married to a technologically savvy man, this is one question you very well could hear.
“Could I twitter when you go into labor and nothing happens for awhile?”
This is the question Jason half-jokingly asked me last night. I thought it was rather considerate of him to ask me for permission. I think that’s okay, especially because I know he’s not the type to go overboard with that sort of stuff nor will he miss a moment because of it. Is that weird that I think it’s okay? Maybe it’s because I’m such a laid-back and understanding wife. Yes, that must be it!
Last night, actually, only a few hours ago, I witnessed two children arrive to the airport to be united with their forever families. The children were brought by the escorts, and they all endured a long travel, with the last flight delaying the moment of their union. Everything seems stalled when something so important is at hand, doesn’t it? As we were waiting for the children to arrive, I saw one of the parents standing there without saying much, and I saw another fidgeting like crazy in such anxiety and anticipation. They all had their hearts on their sleeves, hoping that they would finally meet their child and not wait another moment.
It was very quiet at the airport, being close to 3 am and all, and we found out that the babies had arrived at another gate. The parents and Jason and I walked speedily to the baggage claim, but I knew, in their hearts, they wanted to run but was keeping their composure. Of course, their hearts were already there.
And then, at last, the moment they were waiting for.
They each walked to their child and waited eagerly for the escorts to hand over the baby so they could hold, touch, talk to, kiss, and embrace their child. The children began to cry at the strange and overwhelming environment, and they grieved. With their tiny voices, and little droplets of tears, they grieved. It was incredible to see that they could sense that it was a stressful time.
Knowing that those children were abandoned or relinquished, for whatever the circumstances their birth parents were in, and for them to be received into a family to be loved, reminded me of the love that God has for us. We may be, or may feel that we were, abandoned by our earthly parent(s), but our Heavenly Father will never leave us. “In love, he predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ..” (Ephesians 1:5). Those parents exemplified the love of Christ through the act of adoption.
All the while, I was attempting to talk to the parents, take some pictures for them, and make sure everyone was doing okay, but it was such an inexplicable moment for me. I expected this to affect me, but it affected me in an unexpected way. I think when you experience another life being changed in such a powerful way, it undoubtedly changes you.
You know how when you are about to go on a vacation and you’re packing.. you get filled with this excitement, thinking about getting away, and relaxing? I love that feeling.
We got back home late last night, and we unloaded some things out of the car, washed up, and got into our really warm (we have an electric heating blanket), plush, comfortable bed. And you know that feeling when, after being away from home for sometime, you climb onto bed and you close your eyes and exhale a long “Ahhhh”? I love that feeling!